He doesn’t want to have sex

Dear Aunty Julie,

My boyfriend does not seem interested in having sex with me. We  met eight months ago, dated for three months before he left for work to another state. The last time he came back to visit, he stayed with me for three weeks. We slept in the same bed, but he did not initiate any sex.

Love-gone-sour

The few times I tried to initiate it myself, he told me that he was not in the mood.  We had sex only twice during all this time we have been dating. And one day before we left again on assignment, he approached me  from the back, stopped, complaining that I was too tight for him and literally ran away from the house for a few hours.

He is coming back to spend another two weeks with me. What can I do? Shall I try to talk about it long distance before his visit?  How should I approach the issue so that he agrees to talk about it?  I really would like to work it out.

Zikora, Port-Harcourt

Hello Zikora

There are many problems here.  The first is that you two have zero communication.  On top of that, you are just plain miserable with him. He won’t discuss things and it does seem that only his needs matter.  To add to this, his approach to sexuality and intimacy indicate some sexual issues.

He obviously is either too frightened to talk about it  or else he feels inadequate and is afraid that you will find this out about him.  I hear in your letter that you really care for him, but how many of your own needs are you willing to put aside for him?  I think you need to talk but I don’t think the phone is the best way.

If you really want him there again, let him come but at some point you will have to say that this isn’t working and that you don’t understand his behaviour.  If he can’t handle even that what kind of relationship do you have anyway?  Tell him that he seems distant and unhappy and that you want to understand his behaviour better.

That might make him less defensive. Also tell him that you care about what he’s going through but that you are also a person with needs and feelings that count.  Remember: if he can’t do this, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means he can’t do it.